On The Verge of Loosing love.

i shocked myself when I realised that the last time I posted on my blog was in January this year. I have been neglecting writing and therefore also neglected this baby. I had to revisit it though today because I do not own a diary and some thoughts can not be kept locked inside the mind like a caged bird. like usual, I write about things I have knowledge of, and that's always my emotions and they are always about love.

love is a complicated subject. one would write a million blogs trying to analyse it and feelings associated with them, especially if you are a woman in love with another woman.

sometimes we get into relationships because we are just too scared to be alone so the thought of getting someone who will send texts every morning and night to say how much they love you, how much they miss you, how you the most beautiful girl in the world or how good you give it to them in bed is quite appetising. But like always, those relationships never last. we also get into relationships because we just feel pity for the other person. (its true trust me). you get those people that don't have anything in life because they refuse to get up and put their act together so we wanna play mother Terresa and save the world and prove that "true love still exists" and you would convince yourself that material things don't buy happiness. sooner or later though that person will annoy the smurf out of you and that relationship wont last.

And sometimes, just sometimes we get into relationships because God intended us to, we get into relationships because it really "was meant to be". the sad part about getting into this kind of a relationship is that they come when least expected (which is good though), and sometimes the other person will love you more than you ever expected and the thought of being loved just shakes you and you wanna get away from it because you think you don't deserve such. And sometimes you learn to love when you are on the verge of loosing love. That moment when you feel like the person will give up on you and walk away then it hits you. you start loving all the things that you thought annoyed you about that person. you realise all the time they have cried because of you and all you wanna do is just kneel infront of them and say "I love you too", you regret how you always made them feel small and as if they were not good enough for you. at that point you just want to worship the very ground that they walk on and you pray like you have never prayed before that Heaven must just restore the love again because you have never seen love so pure and you realise the truth in her eyes was always just that "TRUTH".

when you are at the verge of loosing love (The most painful feeling I know to date) you even start wanting to do all the silly things that really never meant much. you realise the value of posting on bae's facebook wall just to brighten her day once in a while and just because you really want all the other skinny bitches (forgive my French) on her facebook to know ukuthi uBae owami, owami ngedwa. you realise the value of tagging her on a status after a beautiful day just to say thank you and because you want the whole world to know that you are taken by Bae, you are not ashamed of her and you want all the world to know that you have an awesome girlfriend. You realise the value of posting goofy pictures of the two of you just because you want everyone to know that Bae is the most coolest best friend anyone could ever ask for, not because you wanna display your relationship in public. you realise the value of just letting her lie on your chest even for a second because she always wants you close to her. the value of her wanting to share little things with you, like the last pull of your cigarette (at that moment, you just want to buy a 1000 packs of cigarettes just so you can say, "smoke with me". take a few pulls off my hand").

its painful realising love when you almost loose love. its a feeling I wouldn't wish upon anyone. but if Bae stays and takes a few steps back to you after wanting to walk away, Bae deserves love in its purest form, Bae deserves love for all eternity. Bae is the one you should swallow your pride for and go on one knee to propose... Do it now ..

#CulturedButterfly

Sex and The Souls

I have not written an article for a while now. Poetry got a bit greedy and started dominating me. But being here at home under this pure African skyline, under these mountains and landscapes that I grew up under I felt that I should take some time off to start writing articles again, so as to do something productive over my jolly merry holidays. Who knows; these stories may lead to a novel one day. Well, that will be a very disorganized one though I must say, because my thoughts, more often than not tend to be very scattered.

Since my purpose is to say a lot of things LOUDLY and my focus is always on sexuality, and relationships I thought I should write this article on one of the things that always bug me. For the past few months or so, my Facebook newsfeed has been flooded with stories of people immediately realizing that “every time you sleep with a person, they leave a part of them with you. Your soul conceives that someone’s soul and the more people you sleep with the more deadly souls you have inside of you. These pollute your own soul too, you change from the person you purely were and act in a manner that is not voluntarily controlled by you but by the souls that reside inside of you because of your sexual discrepancies. This is why sexual contact, by religion and by social and cultural morality should be reserved for marriage only.”

Well, I will not lie, this got me thinking a lot, especially about the people, therefore souls that I have acquired and allowed habitat in my own soul. Well, there is more than one, more than two, more than… (Ok, I have lost count). What I am trying to say is that if I honestly started counting, this article will never get to be finished. The more I assessed myself was the more I realized the screwed up person I actually am because of all the things that I got up to. I realized the people who also got screwed up just because they allowed me and my thousand souls inside them too. For one, I have never been in a relationship that lasted for more than a year, well until I met my current partner. We have been with each other for a year, having sex with each other for a year and 4months now to be exact. But we have known each other for about 3years now. I guess she is the additional soul that I have allowed in. she would do things that I do, and I would also find myself doing things that she does and she would be like “Well, I guess, that is sexually transmitted.”. and now that I really do think about it, I have known her for long, have been having sex with her the longest therefore every time we allow each other to each other’s most fragile places, we also allow each other’s souls and habits to intertwine.

Have you ever wondered why people would say: “wow, you guys really look alike, you could be siblings” to people who have dated for a long time? Hhhhmmm, ok I know that’s creepy, and I’m not there. But truth is; that person’s soul finds a comfort zone inside of you the more you allow it to. You start being a mirror image of that person to the world that sees your physical self. That one soul does not just reside inside of you but on your physical appearance too. But I have found this to be true of people who have very strong sexual and emotional bonds. These people do not just have sex that takes them to heaven and back but they also love each other to heaven and back. When they have sex, they make love on another cloud 9 deep level. They do not even attempt on any given day to block each other out (I know one can be blocked out because this I have attempted with success a couple of times. There were those people I could not take the risk of letting them in). One willingly pours themselves to the other and let’s go of everything. They stand naked in body and soul and the other one willingly opens up, (not just legs) but heart, soul, and mind, and they get lost into each other through this sacred act.

Does this mean when you do find this type of soul, you stand a chance of getting your soul purified? I think so. The more you let one constant person in and allow them to dwell in you, you force all the other souls out, slowly and silently, their footprints and the patterns that they left within you disappear and you get renewed. It’s like this; I’m not a person who reads the bible much but there are verses somewhere between the scriptures that state something like this, “they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles.”  And another one says something like this: “the Lord redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion; he satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” I am not trying to compare one person who is also in the flesh with God but the bible does say itself that God is Love, therefore when you find that person who truly loves you, when you find love, you find God himself in his pure-rest form. Therefore it makes sense that you get renewed, you get new wings, a new fresher soul, even stronger than the one you had before. Your unhealthy sexual life gets you in something like a pit, like a hell of some sort in your waking life, but you get redeemed and crowned by love and compassion. All other soul ties get broken loose.

I guess we really do have to understand that every time you sleep with someone, you become one flesh with that person. You enter into some form of marriage. Like in the old biblical times, there was no marriage like we have now, people never use to go to church to be married by a pastor and everyone would come and celebrate this matrimonial act. No. what used to happen is that marriage was measured by sex. The person you have sex with is the person that is regarded as your spouse. So imagine the people you have engaged in sexual acts with. I guess we have to strive to find our soul mates in this lifetime. That one person who will help us purify ourselves and be new again and enter into new forms of sexual, emotional and soul ties. When you do find that person, hold on to them because letting go will cause more hurt and you will feel like your soul has been ripped out and hence a lot of people tend to get suicidal when they break up with their partners of many years and people who do not understand would be like: “but you have a family, why would you kill yourself for a man or a woman.” It goes back to soul ties. This is deeper than what we can ever attempt to comprehend.

#Sigh

#IsaidItLoud