YOU SAT HEAVILY ON MY SUBCONSCIOUS

You sat Heavily on my Subconscious.

You existed in my mind

beyond my conscious, 

so my dreams revealed you in my sleep. 

There i did and confessed things

i cant in my conscious life.
I closed in on this dream, 

held it so dear and brought it closer 

to my closed eyes so i can see

with the spirit,

just so i can have a clear unpolluted image of you,

hear the waves your voice makes 

and feel your touch as i would in my busy reality.

So I kissed YOU.

And i woke up with your fresh breath

in my soul and your scent in my mind, 

and my nipples couldn't lie because 

i allowed you to nibble on them in my dream.

You existed in my mind 

beyond my conscious 

so my dreams revealed you in my sleep.

This time; caged in the serenity of this all, 

i couldn't help but surrender. This time; chained in the truthfulness of this all, 

I couldn't starter or tell lies

.

In my waking life, i run, i hide, i lie, i deny.. Slowly i forge and push thoughts of you away 

and hide under the busy schedule of my life.

This ain't fair, and even now, i know i speak in riddles,

but..

My conscious couldn't lie.

Help me tell the truth.. Help me find my way to you, 

and in the tranquility of the space 

where our souls will meet, 

promise 

you 

wont 

let 

me 

go.

I Am Dating a Stud. A Butch Lesbian Woman

after my first article titled "i wanna date a stud" was written, it got a lot of positive responses; and i must say, it was the most read article of all the article and poems i have ever written. some said it liberated them, and of course there were those that challenged me and the issues i raised in the article, but all in all those were positive responses and i loved the conversations the article sparked. the conversations led to a whole lot of other things i still want to write about like the values of the LGBTI community vs Personal values (where does one draw the line? To what extent do all these matter and what do they really mean?) and the history of the LGBTI, the labels especially the butch ones. i also want to explore why the quest for queerness is such an endless journey. but of course these are topics for another day.
in my article "i wanna date a stud", i said when i do find that butch sexy lover of mine i will write endless stories about us and let the world know how much of a blessing our relationship is and just to point out that it is as normal as any other relationship. so i am dating a stud and this is a a commitment and friendship article to her.

when i first met her my heart couldn't submarine, i swear it felt like it just had roaring lions only screaming her name and right there i knew that i want to create lifetime memories with her. the kind that would be imprinted on my soul like paws of lions on a desert with the softest sand ever found on earth. its kind of a liberating feeling knowing for sure with no doubt that you just want to loose yourself and love like you have never loved before. that you just want to hold that one person's hand in public and through thick and thin, darkness and light, sunrise and sunset, when all you want to do is proclaim to the universe as a whole that you just want to love and you want to love that one person right like rain upon blossoming flowers (that natural).
when i first looked into her eyes, i glowed. words could not escape my throat so without a word i embraced her, i drawed her closer to me, put her on my bosom as close as anyone can ever be to me. infact i wanted to open my heart and just tuck her there under its contours then she would know it bears no lies. when words finally escaped me i said: "i shall never let you go."

over the months that i have known her she has become a big part of me. she has become my best friend and we are committed to each other. when thunderstorms declare to tear us apart i will hold her oh so dear and say that this is just the beginning of rainbow magic for us, that this is the beginning of clear horizons filled with singing birds and birth of new stars in our endless universe. all i want to do is just to love her right. when i can't talk and i just want to shut the rest of the world out, i want her to be the only person i can let in with no fear and doubt. you see, i just want to love this soul like a friendship that began in kindergarten. this is the type where we laugh at each others bad jokes that are not really funny but because we are the only ones who get them. this is the type where we walk around the pavements of Jozi streets chewing ice cream cones like little kids, go to bed with each other on that single bed that i own wearing the Smurfs and Spongebob pyjamas (im totally buying her those for her birthday :-) ).

i am stud and i am dating one too. she is my friend because she is the only one that gets me right, loves me rights, and of course sexs me right. :-) at times we would get silly and greet each other with that "sho boi" tip and put our shoulders against one another. i love this because i know still that this is a woman that has a heart that silently sings love songs and recite love poems about me and the journeys we are still yet to walk together. when life weighs hard on our shoulders and we feel our knees on our physical bodies can not carry us any more; our spirits meet in silent places where love began, where Angels drafted down our names connecting them to forevers and evers and evers. we do meet in those silent places and the spiritual winds blow us towards each other and glew us to new beginnings and everything feels so refreshing.

i am dating a stud, i am still constantly, everyday learning to let her in. i am ready to let her be the one to hold my heart with her bear hands that breath fire to purify the pain and hurts of all the past relationships that never worked out with any other women. i am willing to let her touch all the wounds with her bare hands because i have entrusted her with my heart to stitch it back together with her gentle kisses and warm embraces.
i am willing to let her in and let her see the tears that i have always cried in the dark before her, i know she has the ability to wipe them away turning the salty bitter taste to sweet taste of joy.
i am saying this again, all i want to do is love her right and keep our relationship sacred. i do believe that she came just at the right time. no one can love me more than she does and yes, my heart still feel like the first time i laid eyes on her. it still burns with passion and desire and roars.

last but not least, who ever game you information about studs im sure they have never encountered one. there is a rumour that can never be true that 'butches' do not want to be touched in any sexual manner, they like to dominate and be the givers never the receivers. (which butches have you been dating gal!) hence butch to butch relationships are always frowned upon because people *femmes especially* think butch to butch and be like, "sooo, how do you guys have sex, who dominates who?" i always smile and think to myself "oooh you of little knowledge and understanding". all i know is that when i am in a room with my stud love, the climate changes we turn it up to another level of climaxes. we go all the way around each others bodies in all the corners of the house. as soon as those boxer shots are off we just feast on each other and fill our souls. we touch, grab, squeeze, lick, clit on clit......
ok. before i give too much information about my bedroom i want to say this. i am dating a stud, and yes i am one too and its the best of all the relationships i have ever heard. we are going for two years together now. who knows, the next time i tell our story i will be saying "i married a stud. Suits And All."

i have not seen anything different with my relationship from those of Butch to femme relationships. those ones are usually just to buy face and portray some image that was historically created by a heterosexual community .*I SAID IT LOUD*

Genuine Black Pearl

Genuine Black Pearl...

They say the natural Pearls 

are rare in the wild, 

so harvesting takes time.

I'm known for patience so i'll wait.

I'l write these craving for you,

yearning for you,

lusting for you poems

till my conscious will allow me

to pour out the rare truth of my soul.

your palm on mine, 

hope your soul can expose it sickles,

gravitate towards mine and 

harvest its burning passion and desire. Then, ill be your Oyster,

my body will be a nest for yours, 

and we shall swing and sing songs

that only art can comprehend. Hard burning passion shall flow 

from our coarse hair as we cling 

to each other's every hair and 

these very hairs shall become 

a ladder to heaven and purity 

and endless magic that only 

Angels can comprehend...

And we shall moan and speak 

in the tongues of the God's , 

it doesn't get more spiritual than this...

As I COME ....

closer to making a home for the 

genuine rare Pearl in the corners of my heart..

#TheHarvestBeWorthTheWait

#TheCulturedButterfly

http://www.autostraddle.com/butch-please-anxious-little-butch-156309/ 

wow.. loved reading this. i couldn't have said anything better myself. for more go to the link above and read up.

"I find that queerness is a very anxious state. Society demands of queerness a continual need to prove oneself and one’s non-normativity over and over again. Society asks for testimonies and narratives as part of this proof, and it becomes an exhausting and anxious process, this turning out our pockets and saying “I fuck this way, so I can prove I am this. I dress this way, so I can prove I am this. I jump through your hoop, so I can prove I am this.” And ultimately the proof has nothing to do with whether or not we wish to belong in this society: It has everything to do with survival, with the understanding that to continue and thrive, we do have to toe certain hegemonic lines or be forever banged along in the process.

 Anxiety on a butch is no different than anxiety on anyone else, but somehow I feel an immense shame as a result of the two’s interactions. As a butch, I feel as though I am meant to be the strong stable one whose issues are either well-tucked away or easily addressed"

I ONLY SOLD YOU AN IMAGE...

Article to follow. its actually one of my favorite ones because it just proves that people buy the clothes that one wears. they think they can tell a butch from a femme by the clothing that they wear. so what am I? *as i await my label*  :-) and it is the truth that we cant deny, lesbians judge each other and classify each other according to clothes.. #Loud

Breastfeed Me

Let me suckle on your breast.
Breastfeed to life, back to the land of the living.
Let me swallow love so true and alive from you.
Let me swallow the last love I’ll ever know for ill

Never be thirsty for another woman's nakedness again.

BREASTFEED ME.
Like and infant newly born,

Take me into your arms and school me

About what love, passion and intimacy should be like.
Pacify me and let me never yearn for more than this.
Let’s build a bond like that of mother to child.

BREASTFEED ME TO LIFE.
Breastfeed me loyalty and wisdom.
Breastfeed me my most accurate poems.
Supply me with nutrients of subsistence and rectitude.
Protect me against allergies of falsehoods and lust.

Protect me from infections of this deadly world,

So that I’ll always listen to you with an open

Soul and take you in.

Let me digest you.
Build my bone structure so i can always

Stand true and firm in loving you.

BREASTFEED ME.
Hold me skin to skin.
Give me a gift of a lifetime.
Secrete fire from your nipples,

I’ll drink it like milk that will cleanse me

And cement me to new beginnings and

Forever’s of just you and me.

Take it all off...
I want you to breastfeed me to life

And sink me into the sacredness of this all.

Breastfeed me to life.

#‎TheCultured_Butterfly

My Lady Plays The Piano

My Lady plays the piano.
Her fingers do splendid electrified magic
on my body because she knows all

The right keys and i can’t help but

Produce music towards her 
bare body and soul.
I wear my heart on the openness
of my palms and stand true before her.
I let her undress untold stories of my spirit,

And i say silent prayers to my maker

Pleading for just seconds to turn into

Eternity of me and her.

#TheCultured_Butterfly

Silondiwe Mathebula

Her Shadow Leaned on Mine

Her shadow leaned on mine

and my soul whispered to hers to

open up and come just a

little bit closer to me,

till her skin can lean on mine

learning hidden stories of my

heart from the pores of this very skin.

Her shadow leaned on mine,

i felt its heaviness yet i was

ready to carry her being,

let her lips lean on mine and

explore poetry hidden in my tongue,

melodies hidden under this very tongue.

I was ready to let my bare body

sing to the tune of hers,

let her fingers play on my

sensitive parts till i COME to my senses.

Shiiiittt..

Her shadow leaned on

mine and i unlearned my shyness,

with fantasis becoming reality i was

riding on this wave of pleasure,

my heart was in tides, 

her touch was my moon,

i pulled closer to her sky and i was

ready to escalate with her to the

universe of endless fairytales, our fairytale..

Her shadow leaned on mine

and I was ready to eat the

Apple Eve was forbidden to.

#TheCulturedButterfly

Silondiwe Mathebula

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time when

I was one with God in spirit

He spoke to me in celestial tongues.

We conversed in the language

Of the Angels. 

Before i went to sleep he spoke and said:

"Dear child of mine you are too perfect

And delicate to have been made from

Adam’s ribs. I assure you i made

You from the fragile, well knitted ribs

That oozed fire and life,

Ribs of one special Eve.

With one breath you lived.

Now when u wake with eyes wide open,

Go on and find this other part of you.

She is a woman; when you find her

Breath into her mouth the kiss of life,

Don’t stop and starter but explore her,

And listen. Hear the sound of her closed

eyelids as she drinks from your cup of

love so true and receive her too.

This could never be sin,

i Am God.

I am love.

Go On, find your Eve and love her poetically."

#TheCultured_Butterfly.

Silondiwe Mathebula

Nothing As Beautiful as a Naked Woman

There is nothing As Beautiful As A Naked Woman.

The landscapes that tell tales of

Prehistoric Divinities and the God

That does exist to have fashioned

Such a well chiselled work of art,

More striking than the surface of the moon,

More brighter than cosmic beings gathered

In prayer and meteors greeting the earth.

I shall never close my eyes to your

Nakedness my empress. If this be sin,

With my right hand i shake hands with Adam,

Our hands laced i ask for his guidance

Of how to rightfully eat forbidden fruits,

To run my hands on contours of your body,

And valleys and hills that breath fire of life and passion.


#TheCultured_Butterfly

A Secret Poem to My Secret Butch Lover

A secret poem, to my secret butch lover..

Shine your torch into my face and see me

through this darkness in which i'm tryna hide.
Shine your torch and pave a way for your touch

that i crave through endless sleepless nights, 

i shiver at a thought of you. 

See i've built a home, a castle on fantasies of you and I. 

(these make me warm, and safe) .

You the queen of this all.

I love your walk, your deep voice, 

your SWAG 'they call it'. 

You stun me more than any other stud i've seen.

See, you... You light effortless smiles

at the corners of my mouth.

So kiss me...
Kiss lies out of my breath so i hide no more.

My secret butch lover.
After this night of burning passion and desire.

Please tell no stories of you and I.

Light your torch and tell not of our star lit, 

galaxy intertwining touches.
Look away, and fade into the light,
ill turn back to the light too,
and forge fake smiles, 

hallows, moans.

And love my femmine girlfriend..

My secret butch lover,

just know you left your scent on my soul

and i yearn for these endless stolen 

moments in the dark with you. 

I yearn for them to be truth in the light..

Shine your torch..

‪#‎TheCulturedButterfly‬

Silondiwe Mathebula

I Totally Want to Date a Stud. A Butch Lesbian Woman

I WANT TO DATE A STUD – A BUTCH LESBIAN WOMAN.
This short article is written from the heart. It aims to address all the stereotypes that are among the queer community especially when it comes to ‘butch on butch’ relationships. We discriminate against our own; we have phobias that we still need to confront amongst ourselves. As much as we do not want to admit this but our minds are still as heterosexual as ever, we do not want to establish our own ways of thinking and we do not want to accept that behind our exterior and whether one chose to be femme or butch or futch or whatever other labels that are there, we are all woman who love woman and we seem to never want to look pass the labels.
I want to date a stud and I do not care if this does not sink well with anyone. Call her butch if you may because of her masculinity and her dress code. I promise this is not ‘gay’ this is just love at its purest form. Do not frown upon me, I know the queer family have also studied me even before I came out to them and they concluded according to their stereotyped indoctrinated labelling system that I am a stud too. They call me butch the first thing when they see me before I even open my mouth to speak and state my case, thus they greet me with that “sho mfethu, fede, tip” and extend a fist to greet rather than a hug. They expect me to date ladies with high heels, weaves, handbags and make up, thee femmes. They expect me to drink beer and sit with my legs parted, my elbows on my knees crouching forward. They expect me to deepen my voice so I will not be considered girly but rewind; I am a girl in every way that matters.
I want to date a stud. Behind our clothes meticulously handpicked from the boys section at Mr Price lie two fragile women. Behind our sneakers and All Stars and Vans lie feet that also flow with oestrogen and progesterone and this is a biological factor that can never be faked unless one chooses to undergo a surgery as they believe that they are trans. Behind our tightly buttoned shirts and maybe bandaged bosoms lie two delicate life giving hills (and how I love breasts of a woman, so tender and fragile and sweet). Behind our chosen exterior that we put out to the world because of how we want them to perceive us lie an interior that can never lie or pretend and souls that just yearn for another woman’s body.
I want to date a stud and marry her. Hold her hand in public and declare that she is all the woman I need. So what if we both rock chinos and shirts and our chiskops. We are more than what the world expects us to be. We are beyond the sarcastic labelling and the heterosexual norms set according to dress codes. We (the lesbians) get offended when the world asks us questions like: “which one of you is the man.” Yet unconsciously we do that amongst ourselves, we are tuned into thinking that there should be a femme and a butch in a homosexual relationship. The one must be submissive and the latter dominant.
I know a lot of people will frown upon me and my butch partner and ask us close minded questions like: ‘who dominates who?” and they will giggle showing their shallow intellect and prisoned brains. They will whisper behind our backs showing slavery that they will never
be free from. They will call us names proving that that’s the only thing they will ever master in their lives. Us, we would have mastered more.
I want to date a very beautiful stud woman and fall in love with her every single day of our lives as long as we both shall live. I want to look at her with eyes full of wonder and adoration and be turned on by the fact that such a beautiful woman can rock very boyish clothes and still look dazzling and have a smile that sparkles and shines.
I want to date a stud and make love to her every day. Unbutton her shirt to reveal her beautiful sports bra. Undo he belt and unbutton her chinos to reveal her boxer shorts (so what she doesn’t wear a red laced bum short, her boxer shorts are just a huge turn on too.) I’ll take her into my arms and explore her tender nakedness, push her back into the mountain of pillows and teddy bears on my bed. Her thighs will part and admit me and she will link her ankles across my hips taking me prisoner. We will merge into a tangle of arms, legs, torsos, quivering, twisting, moaning and groaning. My Gosh, what a beautiful sweet woman this is beyond all they have labelled her.
I want to date a stud. Butch to butch they say. I couldn’t care less; my soul mate may just pass me by while I’m still busy paying attention to stupid labels. I want to date a stud and that is the beginning and end of everything. I know there is still a long way to go where educating the queer community about stereotypes and labels is concerned but we can start somewhere, and I’ll start by finding me that stud lifetime partner of mine and write more articles about us.

By Silondiwe Mathebula

what this is all about

so. as a 27, well almost 28 lesbian woman in South Africa i have observed a lot, where the queer community and lesbians are concerned. being a lesbian in johannesburg is either treated like a political struggle or a glitz and glamour kind of shine. you get those lesbians that are die hard activists and they really believe in their sexuality and they wanna fight at all cost. these are the lesbians that you would find at the front line of marches and mass meetings, they wear their lesbian label like a crown. they would most probably shout "viva comrade and Amandla!" to any lesbian they see. on a serious note though. these are your intelligent lesbians most of the time. they take their time and effort in engaging in activities that can build the queer community and ensures that Aluta Continua. in all honesty, we do these these kinds of lesbians, though i think at times they dramatize and politicise homosexuality a lot. 

then of course you get those ones that are party orientated. no offence to these lesbians but their achievement in life is being known for being at every lesbian picnic and pride after party. see; these one, they never march, they are the type that always get to prides after the march with bottles of whiskey, tons of beer and new clothes and shades. the shades are never left behind. they don't carry backpacks full of dreams but weed. its fashionable to smoke weed after all. then they stand there like they are God's gift to women and want every thing that has boobs that passes their way. they either have dreadlocks or mohawks most of the time and ohh, they wear bow ties. you will never have an intellectual conversation with these lesbians, they either think they know too much (which they usually don't) or they would just cause drama on you for no reason. these lesbians are good at putting emphasis on labels. me, myself i do not even know how many labels are there for lesbians. you get your butches, futches, toms, femmes, and a whole lot more. 

i am that kind of lesbian that they would label butch at first glance because i wear chinos and shirts all the time so the ''Butches"would most likely greet me with a "sho mfethu, holla Boi, Mnchana ugrand". in these situations hugs are never extended. then the femmes would hit on me because i am more likely to be into femmes because of the way i "dress". see, judgements are never based on anything other than clothing, this is what i have observed. before you argue with me, yes its tried and tested, with a change in clothing items the lesbian community will treat you differently. i have been more interested in observing butch lesbians though. (but, this is a later topic). 

i am one of those fluid lesbians to be honest. i believe my sexuality does not depend on my clothes, or my role for that matter. i get asked a lot if i am butch or femme. i always feel like shooting myself though before answering. but i say; " i love women. thats what im certain about." i am that inquisitive lesbian, i like to ask about things. i question a lot of lesbians about why they do the things they do or speak the thing that they do.  most of them never have answers or if they do it would be a very stupid answer *forgive my language*. they think they know but they don''t. i asked one butch why she dates femmes, she said : "aah mchana ke butch nna so i have to date femmes." i asked her if another butch is less of a woman and if she just wants to abide to heterosexual norms, she said : "ay mchan, i was never straight so i cant date another man. thats just how its supposed to be, a butch dates a femme, imagine me dating you" (you can just imagine my facial expression at this point.) whats funny is that i sold another butch lesbian who would also have considered me butch if i was wearing my chinos an image of a lady in a skirt and she fell for the image and the lady in it. see, she had vowed that her being with a butch is against her ethical book of rules (a whole article on this is available). i have  been able to mess with these people's way of thinking, and it proved that they don''t think much *most of them*. they do things because their friends do them or its their sick idea of "right".

this blog is about all the voices i have encountered. the different voices of lesbian woman in South Africa. i want you to walk in my shoes and observe what i observe everyday. i want you to hear what i hear everyday. most of the things i will write about here are not my own experiences or feelings. i choose to embrace the label of a butch lesbian because i have been labeled such and i am most interested in butch lesbians and especially Butch to butch kind of relationships. i want you to walk a mile in the shoes of a proud South African Butch Lesbian who loves other butches. tap into her soul. i want to be loud about things that people fear to talk about. or things that they think they know about when they don''t really: relationships, love, sex, affairs, roles,labels. so what if we talk about it! i am also hoping to get different writers to contribute their work. it could be poems, monologues, articles etc. this way we will get to know the current state of homosexuality in South Africa in 2014. the aim is to change minds and people's way of thinking. pave a way forward through word and debate. then maybe we will get to the roots of the rainbow as a whole through the mouth piece of this Loud SA Butch Lesbian.